Random babbling

This post is going to be so random and sometimes just a babble but I guess when I have something on my mind, I need to write!

When I was a teenager, I would journal.  Almost daily and if not daily it was usually several days in a row and then rest for a couple of days.  I found that writing helped me vent my feelings, I even continued to journal into adulthood, but it has been a LONG, LONG time since I have actually put a pen to paper and wrote what I was feeling and going through, so I guess this post will be just that, except in electronic form!

See when I was a teenager I suffered from depression.  Sometimes so severe, that I became suicidal and I cut myself, A LOT!  I was sent away to Charter Hospital in Sioux Falls when I was 16.  I spent a couple of months there learning to deal with my issues and how to better channel my feelings and frustrations.  Did I still slip and resort to old ways?  Heck yeah, it was a never ending battle between my heart and my mind.  I am not really sure when I stopped the suicidal thoughts, acts and cutting, but I did.  Am I proud of this fact?  No, not at all but it helps me to better understand myself as an adult. It also makes me realize how much I miss putting thoughts to paper and trying to sort out what is going on in my mind.

I have looked back at my old journals recently (yes, I know, it is strange that I still have them so many years later) and all I can say is WOW...was I ever messed up! ;) but it has helped me to remember where I was and where I am today and the difference in both.

Do I still suffer from depression?  You betcha!  Some days it is really hard to get out of that deep black hole you have allowed yourself to sink into.  And I can honestly say that over the last several months I have been dealing with some depression.  And because I am so anti pill popper these days, I refuse to ask for a "happy" pill.  I have told my doctor about my feelings and we are working on a solution, but really this is something that I have to work through, pills are not going to make my reality go away any time soon.

Life in this household is strange right now!  Are things good?  Not always but are they so bad that we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel to reach?  I don't think so, but it is just different!

A wonderful friend pointed out to me that right now I am in "uncharted" territory with my cancer!  Yes it is still there but it is silent and I have THE BEST quality of life right now than I have had in the past 5 1/2 years of this disease.  We don't know how to act, be spontaneous and love fully like before.  Don't get me wrong, we are still that way, just not to the degree that we did when we were in the throngs of cancer treatment, feeling like crap and just trying to live to see the next day together!  It is so different and I just don't think we know how to truly LIVE again without cancer being our constant reminder.

Last night as I laid in bed and watched TV, I had a little knock at my bedroom door and there was my son, crying and having a small breakdown.  He wanted me to pray with him.  Talk about hitting my heart right where I was at, Colby did just that and then some.  He crawled up into my bed and cried (hysterically at times).  I will not go into details about what was bothering him because that would be a violation of the mother/son bond that him and I have.  But what I found so fascinating is that he could share his heart and fears with ME and ask ME to pray with him and for him.  We talked about what was bothering him and I prayed right there with him in my lap (and yes he was in my lap even at 12).  We opened the bible and he picked a book he wanted to start reading with me.  And we read the first chapter and talked about it a little bit.  I also told him that anytime he was scared or having a crazy mind moment, that he could call on the name of Jesus and bind the evil one from filling his head with crap.  He was finally ready to go back to bed and go to sleep.  Jesus was there calming his fears and allowing ME to help in that moment.

So what is the reason behind this post?  Well I just realized that no matter what we have going on in our lives and what we may be feeling, there is SOMEONE who is there every single moment of every single day listening and caring and that SOMEONE is Jesus!  There are many, many reasons why I am still here today and last night was a reminder of just one of the many things that Jesus is still using me here on Earth for.  I am there to point my kids (and hopefully others) to HIM but also to help me in my walk with HIM as well!

Am I perfect?  NOT.AT.ALL!  I am a sinner saved by GRACE and I know the ONE who is and He LOVES me with an everlasting love that IS perfect!  One day this will all be over with for me and I will hear the words "well done, good and faithful servant, well done"!  

I want my kids to remember the good and the bad of my life and I want them to remember that GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME AND ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD!

And that is my random post for the day!  I told you I would be all over the place, but I feel so much better!  God is using me in mighty ways and while I don't know what tomorrow brings, I am thankful that HE already knows and so I will try and seek HIM even in the chaos and depression!

Cathi

10 years.....

10 years ago today my world was ROCKED by a simple phone call from my family doctor.

10 years ago life was clicking along, I was doing excellent in school and was looking forward to a full summer load to move graduation up, in 11 days we were gonna celebrate our youngest child's 1st birthday, and we were getting our house ready to put on the market and finally move out of our little house.  10 years ago life was finally starting to making sense and I was enjoying every bit of it.  I didn't have time for this.....

Breast cancer!

Has 10 years really passed?  Yes, in the blink of an eye! I wish I was still celebrating this milestone with being cancer free...but sadly I am not BUT I am still ALIVE and doing quite well under the circumstances.

That baby who turned 1 11 days after my biopsy came back positive for cancer (who didn't celebrate her 1st birthday on the day she turned 1 because I was in the hospital recovering from a bilateral mastectomy), turns 11 in just 11 days.

I can still remember what I was doing when Dr. Rector called to give me the biopsy results.  I still remember what it was like calling Jason to give him the news, and I remember what it was like having to call my parents and Jason's parents to let them know what was going on.  I still remember the raw, devastating emotions of that day and the days that followed.  My kids were so young.  Briana was only 9 1/2 (ironically the same age I was when my mom learned she had breast cancer), Mikayla was 4 1/2, Colby was just 2 and Keara was 11 days away from her 1st birthday!

Sometimes those raw, devastating emotions are still evident even 10 years later.  Especially today, always on this date.  Every year I walk through this date wondering what might have been, but I also remember and try to celebrate my life.  Because even though I still have cancer, I am still here fighting for my life every day.

Jason and I have spent a better part of our marriage dealing with cancer.  Married a short 6 1/2 years when cancer reared it's ugly head the first time and then just 11 years when it came back.  We will celebrate 17 years in October.  We have seen our fair share of hard times and somehow we have pulled through it all.  Sometimes even stronger than we were when it started.

My kids have spent a better part of their childhood dealing with cancer in their lives. They have watched the roller coaster of emotions with me.  The good times and the bad times.  The times when we weren't sure I was going to survive another round of chemo. My kids are resilient, troopers, if you will! I couldn't be more proud of all of them.  So I know that no matter what happens with me and this beast I fight against everyday, my kids will be okay and they will survive when I am gone, as will Jason, and that brings a bit of comfort to my soul.

Does that mean I want to go anywhere right now?  Heck NO!  But that is ultimately NOT up to me!  But I do know the ONE who holds my life in HIS hands each and every day!  The ONE who has seen me through every peak and every valley.  The ONE who has carried me when I was unable to stand, walk or even crawl because my soul was beaten down along with my body!  I am HIS and that alone gives me comfort beyond understanding!

So today, celebrate YOUR life with all the strength and gusto that you have!  Be thankful for good health, family and friends!

While I don't like the fact that I am battling stage 4 breast cancer each and every day and today has been emotional and hard for me.....I am beyond grateful that 5 1/2 years later I am still here and I am still FIGHTING!  My quality of life is wonderful!  I am still dealing with some not so pleasant side effects, but I AM ALIVE so I will deal with those nasties as best I can and in the way I feel is best for me!  Not ideal but doable!

So live each day to the fullest, love often and fully and be grateful for each and every day you are blessed with!  We only get to go around this earth once do it fully!

Thanks for being along for this huge ride!  Thanks for always being there praying me through the good and the bad!

I am grateful for all the LORD has blessed me with through the years!  Even cancer!  I will leave you with a look back over the years in a few pictures!

Eternally HIS,

Cathi

me and my kids right before all my hair fell out the first time around! June 2005

Bottelberghe hay ride gathering, shortly after I had finished up treatment the first time around! Sept 2005

Christmas 2009 shortly after we learned my cancer had returned

Colby's 7th birthday Jan. 24, 2010

Kay (my research nurse in Sioux City), my mom and I at my gathering at church in April 2012

Our family trip to Disney World in Feb 2010

My first Mother's Day after my cancer returned! May 2010

Jill Miller came and sang for Jason and I. We were celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary at the cancer center getting treatment Oct. 3, 2011

My core group of girlfriends at Briana's graduation party! May 2014 (I lived to see one of my kids graduate from high school)

Easter 2015

Colby's 12th birthday! Jan. 24, 2015

Reflections for 2014 and hopes for 2015

Hard to believe that today is the last day of the year!  SAY WHAT??????  Where in the world did 2014 go?

I always get a little melancholy this time of year and wish it would last forever!  Literally!  :)  it was so bad this year that on Christmas day, my camera battery was about dead so I made the kids stop opening gifts and wait to finish until my battery was fully charged....no lie!  They were of course great sports about it but it gave me the chance to make the experience last just a bit longer!

I LOVE Christmas but even more so since starting to have kids 19 years ago!  To watch the excitement in their eyes and the magic of the season!  Not magic like Santa magic, but in realizing what this day is TRULY all about!  I try to remind them what it is all about every single year!  I want them to know that it is not just about the presents, although that is a perk to it, but that our humble KING came as a baby so that one day we could spend eternity with Him.  His sole purpose was to wash away our sins by coming as a baby and then dying on that old rugged cross, so that we could all have eternal life!  Is there anything BETTER than that?  I don't think so!

December was a pretty busy month for us as a family!  Between choir concerts, basketball games, dance recitals and Christmas gatherings with family, it flew by in the blink of an eye!  The older I get the more life seems to just whiz by faster and faster!

So today has been a day of reflecting over the past year and what 2014 meant to me!  Even though the year started out pretty rough, can we say, sickness and chemo?!?!?!  YUCK!  It is ending pretty spectacular!!!  Jan and February were filled with basketball, dance competitions, and chemo.  Trying to be a mom while being sick with a cold/flu didn't go over very well!  I think it just made things worse for me!  By March, my body was TIRED!!!  Scans looked GOOD so we decided to take a break and decide what I wanted to do going forward!  By the end of that month God showed up and made HIS plans known to me BIG TIME!  In April I started the new protocol which was a less toxic version of chemo.  He was been faithful all this time and as of this writing I am still on that same protocol!  I have been off chemo for almost a year now, February 25th (or there abouts) will mark 1 year of NO CHEMO!!!!  I have been able to enjoy many, many things in 2014.  A high school graduation AND a 2 week family vacation to the Western half of the United States!  Also moving our daughter to her new home in Watertown as probably another highlight of 2014.  I celebrated 5 years of stage 4 breast cancer on November 2nd, a HUGE milestone for anyone with a stage 4 cancer and I enjoyed this holiday season without feeling sick and tired!  God is good all the time, all the time God is good!

What are my hopes for 2015?????  Continued good scans while on my current protocol, another year of no chemo and just making memories with my family!  We have another jam packed winter of basketball and dance competitions and cheer leading.  It will also be a first full year in our house where we are a family of 5 under one roof instead of 6.  It has been an adjustment for us but one that I feel that we have all gotten a handle on quite well!  Including the girl who now lives on her own and pays her own bills while going to school as well!

I feel that 2015 is going to be a GREAT year!  And no matter what....with God at the center EVERYTHING is possible!

May each and everyone of you have a blessed New Year and may God richly bless you in 2015!!!!

Cathi

First day of school.....

The kids are off to start their first day of school!  I just can't believe that summer is over already!  :(  Yesterday we had our annual picnic at Falls Park!  This is the 3rd year of doing that!  We packed a lunch and headed to the park, where Jason met us to eat and talk!  It was a beautiful day to be eating outside!  Then we headed to Walmart to get lunch box "supplies", then home to chill for the rest of the day!  We are back into a routine of early bedtimes, prayers and early mornings again!  This year we will once again start each morning with Ephesians 6:10-18 and a short prayer for a good day at school and traveling mercies on the bus.  The kids put on their full armour of God so that they can stand against whatever may come their way during the day!  The house is quiet and it is gloomy outside, so I am not sure what I am going to do to occupy myself today.  Perhaps today will be a day where I just curl up with a book and read until the kids get home.  It is an early out today, so they will be home around 2pm this afternoon.  For now I am going to savor my solitude and reflect on my life!  Enjoy the pictures from yesterday and today!

Cathi

The kids were feeding this little guy pretzels!

Picnic Lunch with dad on the last day of summer vacation

Mikayla ~ First day of HIGH SCHOOL!!! 9th grade

Colby ~ First day of MIDDLE SCHOOL!!! 6th grade

Keara ~ First day of 5th grade! (last year of elementary school)

My 3 kiddos before school

Waiting for the bus!

Bye guys! Have a GREAT first day of school, love you!

1 week.......

I can't believe that I am even writing this post!  1 week from today my children will be back to school!  WAAAAAAAA......(ok so maybe there is a little bit of joy within that cry).

Where on earth did our summer go?  Between church camp, driver's ed, a 2 week vacation across the countryside, and swimming lessons, our summer has been far from slow!  It has flown by in the blink of an eye! 

So 1 week from today:

~ my kids will be getting up at 6:20AM every day to get ready and on the bus by 7:10am
~ my kids will be back to a bedtime routine
~ morning scripture/prayer for the day
~ I will be all alone during the day to a too quiet house

I love and hate this time of year....this time of school supply shopping, closet cleaning and new clothes, dentist appointments and school sports physicals.  Along with that comes fall sports, morning and bedtime routines and homework....OH THE DREADED HOMEWORK!!!!

So in 1 week, I will probably be doing a dance and weeping all at the same time. 

Our final weekend of summer is almost here....what are we going to do to celebrate our final weekend of summer vacation?

Well we are leaving on Friday (Jason's birthday) and heading to Watertown, SD!  We are staying at the Hampton Inn and spending time with Briana, celebrating Jason's birthday as a family!  We will stay until Saturday afternoon when she has to go to work and then we will head to Brookings and spend the night with Jason's parents, returning home Sunday sometime!  We are looking forward to a weekend away to relax and spend time together, the last time until the holidays probably!  We will all be busy with sports and school as will Briana, that she won't have a chance to make an improtu trip home like she did the other night!

Pray for us as we begin a new year, that we will transition smoothly and that I won't be too lonely during the day!  I really need to find some volunteer work to do to fill some time!  I will soon run out of projects to keep me busy!

This was last year's first day of school picture!  Hard to believe that this year there will only be 3 in the picture!  I hope that you all had a wonderful summer!  I just can't believe that summer is almost over!  1 week.....only 1 week left!  :(

Until next time,

Cathi

Today......

I know that I said my next post would highlight some of my favorite photos from vacation but I just can't decide which ones are my favorite because they are all my favorites! :) Anyway.....life is slowly returning to normal for us around here. We have been home a little over a week now and we are getting back into a normal sleep routine and everything else that has been out of whack from vacation! I have gotten all my pictures from my camera onto my computer and now comes the task of getting them developed and sorted. I have many ideas of what I am going to do with the pictures and sand from the beach from our vacation. So it is just getting it done, but that will have to wait until the kids go back to school!

In answer to my question from my last post about what 2 states we missed.....DRUM ROLL........West Virginia and New Hampshire we the two that we missed! Believe it or not, we found a Hawaii jeep in the parking lot at the Grand Canyon and Alaska somewhere in Nevada (and several more Alaska cars along our way home)!!!! The kids were sure that we wouldn't get Hawaii, but I told them to not be so sure of themselves! There was a whole bunch of whoop-whoop's going on in our vehicle when we found the Hawaii, I only wish I had taken a picture of it!!!!

So it is back to reality and back to life! Briana is all moved out and moved into her apartment in Watertown. She starts work at her new job tomorrow morning and school will start for her on the 21st of August. She is doing well on her own so far but lonely! Her roommate (and BEST FRIEND) isn't moving up for a couple more weeks so Briana has been on her own for almost a week now! It is strange around this house without her presence! I have been messaging her or calling her at least daily! My family of 6 is no more and it seems weird! We will always be a family of 6 but now it is just a different sort of 6. Once empty chair at dinner time, one less "goodnight mom" and one less random hug! That realization has hit me full force today and I am extremely sad about it! I am totally happy for this new chapter in her life but totally and completely miss her like crazy! I never in a million years would think that this would be so hard, but some days....YES IT IS!

Perhaps with scans looming around the corner next week, that has increased my emotions some! I hate scan time and the time leading up to and then the waiting! My trust is in the ONE above, I am a child of the ONE TRUE KING!!! But.....I want to control it all still! It's a daily thing for me....laying it all down and picking up my cross to carry! The Lord leads, sustains and loves me. That will get me through anything! Happy Wednesday! May the Lord bless you today and always!

Cathi


Here is the youtube video to Matthew West's song Hello my name is! I LOVE THIS SONG!

Vacation Day 13 and 14

We spent the last two days of our vacation in the car.  Sunday was spent getting through the mountains of Colorado and across the state into Nebraska!  We got to North Platte, NE at 11pm.  Checked into the Hampton Inn and got some sleep before getting up this morning and heading the rest of the way home!  We got caught in a heavy thunderstorm in  Colorado yesterday afternoon but the rainbow afterwards was SPECTACULAR!  Today was a LONG day but we made it home at around 4:20 this afternoon.  After being gone for 14 days, 9 hours and 35 minutes, seeing our house as we crested the hill was a total highlight for all of us!  We crossed (or touched) 10 states, put on 4,838.2 miles from start to finish and took over 1,200 pictures.  It was the trip of a lifetime and we had a BLAST!  There are so many fun things to remember and laugh about the whole thing and we will be talking about it for years to come!  I am thankful God blessed us with this time together and that I am on a chemo break to enjoy the time together and seeing some beautiful countryside!  Thank you for journeying with us on vacation!  I hope you enjoyed and lived the experience with us!  I will post some of my favorite pictures over the next few days but will end this entry with a couple of highlights from the last couple of days!  One last thing.....we played the license plate game while on vacation and came home with 48 out of 50 states seen.....any guesses on which two we missed?  Leave a comment with your answer.  I will post which two it was that we missed in a couple of days!  Until next time....blessings!

Cathi

The view from our hotel room in Cortez, Colorado

heading down the road

the beautiful Rocky Mountains!

more of the mountain

Colby catching a nap!

the rainbow after the thunderstorm

entering the state of Nebraska

making the final leg of our journey...leaving North Platte, Nebraska

entering into our home state of South Dakota

our trip meter in the Mountaineer

Vacation Day 13

Today found us going thru the Grand Canyon and going to the 4 corners.  We are in Cortez Colorado for the night and making the final leg of this vacation. The plan is to be home by Monday. It will be a long couple of days but the reward of being home is worth the long hauls. The Grand Canyon was AMAZING! And the 4 corners was just a money trap but still a fun memory. We had some good times today and some laughs as well. Memories for sure! Now we are just laughing and being silly trying to settle down but it is really not working.  :) enjoy the pictures, this will be my last post before we get home. I will blog again when we arrive home and give some highlights. Until then....enjoy!

Cathi

Vacation Day 12

Today we spent about 3 hours in Vegas. First driving the strip in both directions and then parking and walking to a couple of places.  We saw the MGM casino, M&M world, coke store, Hershey store and the New York New York casino.  We then got back in the car and headed down the road to the Hoover Dam! We got out and walked there too. It was HOT!!!!  We were all sweaty and beet red by the time we got back to the vehicle. Then we continued on to our destination. Williams, Arizona about 60 miles south of the Grand Canyon South Rim entrance....which we will see tomorrow. Our hotel is an overpriced dive...but we have 3 beds so no floor sleeping for little people tonight again. We are getting on each others nerves more now, we are tired, cranky and sick of living out of our bags. We miss home and all the comforts of it.  It has been a wonderful vacation but home is looking better and better every minute. Perhaps a good nights sleep will do us all a bit of good!!!  Good night from us!!  Enjoy the pictures!

Cathi