Tonight (this morning, whatever) finds me unable to sleep.
So many emotions tugging at my heart strings. So many fears, anxiety and everything in between.
While I continue to sift thru the broken and shattered pieces of my life, I wonder.....
1. What good could possibly come from this current battle?
2. How is this working in my favor?
3. What is God trying to teach me during this storm?
4. How will this bring glory to my Savior, Jesus Christ?
So many variables and so many unanswered questions....and I will probably never fully know the answers in this life.
We live in a fallen broken world....ravaged by sin. If we look to ourselves or others for fulfillment, we will always be dissatisfied. There will always be some sort of expectation that will never give you what you fully are searching for. Not drugs, not alcohol, not sex, not your husband/wife, not even an affair. These are the things that the enemy of our souls will tell us we need "to be happy"!
But.....it will never happen in this life. Our true and life sustaining happiness can only be found in the love and person of Jesus Christ. I struggle with this....daily. I am a need to see and feel that love kind of person on a human level. But I know deep in my soul that He is all I need to ride out the storms. It's wrapping my brain around it and putting it into action. I live for an audience of One. But to be honest....I fail at this daily.....I wish I didn't. I wish I was one of those Christians who has it all together, has a near perfect life, with near perfect kids and husband. But I don't....my life is riddled with strife, anger, regret and deep rooted hurts. And only He can lift those burdens I carry and give me rest.
I am broken and I am grieving. I want to see the joy in every moment of every day. Some days are certainly better than others. But I want it every day. But every day that the enemy sucks me into his lies and deceit and I don't challenge those lies and deceit with Truth, I get further and further away from what is true and pure. I slip further away from my relationship with Jesus.
So.....my challenge today and everyday is to sing and praise the Lord with HIS truth and watch the enemy go shrieking back into his dark hole. To try and get out of the rut in the gravel road that keeps getting deeper and deeper the longer I walk in it. To step out of that rut and walk on the firm and flat ground of the Lord.
How do you feel challenged today?
What are you going to do to rise up to that challenge and tell Satan to "take a hike"?
Every day is a struggle.....unless you let go and let God. Allow Him to take over carrying the heavy load you bear!
It just might change everything...if you're willing to allow it.
Be bold, be brave and do it all for the glory of God!
The daughter of the One true King,
Cathi
6 Bottelberghe's
Friday, June 16, 2017
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
It's been awhile.....
I haven't journaled in over a month and tonight I find myself unable to shut my mind down....which seriously is NOTHING new but tonight especially can't shut it down. So it's time to put my thoughts to "paper"....
My life is going crazy...I have boxes everywhere, my kitchen is a mess and I have a new camper sitting in my back yard that in 24 short days will be our new home until November 1st (God willing). In just 10 days we close on our lot in town and we break ground 3 days after that. July 7th we will say goodbye to our home of 11 years (the longest we have ever owned a home), and go on this new adventure......happy, sad and every emotion inbetween. 😳😢😂😱
Ready or not...this is happening.
So many thoughts running thru my head but I can't seem to get them to make sense. I journal all the time and I have no problem pouring my heart out.....but here....well here I keep very private thoughts just that....private. My hopes, my fears, my struggles and even how to let go of certain things. This is certainly NOT the place to air my "dirty laundry". So I stay pretty general about what's going on. I keep it real but not to the point where I broadcast what's going on.
My husband and I never did things the easy or right way. We had a baby before we were married, and actually we didn't get married until she was 3 years old, we bought a house a month before we got married, we sold that place while I was still going thru cancer treatment and moved into a 3 bedroom apartment while we built our house. Now we sell this place before we really had a place lined up because we really wanted to be in the country....but nothing was coming up so.....we came up with our "5 year plan". We only have 5 years left until our last child graduates and then we can move anywhere we want without being landlocked to Garretson. So in 5 years we will be making our way back to the country life, with chickens and cats and dogs. City life will be good and I am actually starting to get excited about it and so are our kids.
So many twists and turns in our lives the last couple of years. Some of which have left some noticeable scars, others have given us perspective. But the one thing all of us in this family are learning is grace and mercy. Jesus came in flesh, bore our sins and died a horrible death. He did that for me, for my husband, my kids, my extended family and for all mankind. He did it because He loves us all so very much. He gave grace and He gave mercy, now I am learning how to give that same thing to those around me. Grace, mercy and forgiveness. Some days it is so hard to remember my own sinful nature when I start to focus on the wrongs done to me. I have done my own share of wrongs to others and I need to focus on my own sins instead of the sins of others. This is a hard one for me and really for anyone in this life. We all at times seek revenge. But we are not suppose to....God has the final say and He will see that justice is served.
I have so much to be thankful for every single day. I have the most amazing and caring husband (he really is a diamond in the rough, he's certainly not perfect and has done his fair share of not so cool things but hey that's what Grace is for), I have 4 beautiful and uniquely talented children, each with their own personalities and gifts. I have some great friends, my family and in-laws. My cancer is staying quiet so I can enjoy this beautiful life with my family. Raising my kids and getting older with my husband. I look forward to grandbabies in the future. I pray that God will continue to answer my prayers, never thought I would still be here 7 1/2 years after a stage 4 diagnosis...but I never underestimate the power of the Great Physican.
So come along with me on this "adventure"....it's gonna be interesting, crazy and mind blowing, I can guarantee that!! My next post in the coming days will be pictures of our "new home" for the next several months.
Sweet dreams friends, my mind is clear to go to sleep now.
In His service,
Cathi
My life is going crazy...I have boxes everywhere, my kitchen is a mess and I have a new camper sitting in my back yard that in 24 short days will be our new home until November 1st (God willing). In just 10 days we close on our lot in town and we break ground 3 days after that. July 7th we will say goodbye to our home of 11 years (the longest we have ever owned a home), and go on this new adventure......happy, sad and every emotion inbetween. 😳😢😂😱
Ready or not...this is happening.
So many thoughts running thru my head but I can't seem to get them to make sense. I journal all the time and I have no problem pouring my heart out.....but here....well here I keep very private thoughts just that....private. My hopes, my fears, my struggles and even how to let go of certain things. This is certainly NOT the place to air my "dirty laundry". So I stay pretty general about what's going on. I keep it real but not to the point where I broadcast what's going on.
My husband and I never did things the easy or right way. We had a baby before we were married, and actually we didn't get married until she was 3 years old, we bought a house a month before we got married, we sold that place while I was still going thru cancer treatment and moved into a 3 bedroom apartment while we built our house. Now we sell this place before we really had a place lined up because we really wanted to be in the country....but nothing was coming up so.....we came up with our "5 year plan". We only have 5 years left until our last child graduates and then we can move anywhere we want without being landlocked to Garretson. So in 5 years we will be making our way back to the country life, with chickens and cats and dogs. City life will be good and I am actually starting to get excited about it and so are our kids.
So many twists and turns in our lives the last couple of years. Some of which have left some noticeable scars, others have given us perspective. But the one thing all of us in this family are learning is grace and mercy. Jesus came in flesh, bore our sins and died a horrible death. He did that for me, for my husband, my kids, my extended family and for all mankind. He did it because He loves us all so very much. He gave grace and He gave mercy, now I am learning how to give that same thing to those around me. Grace, mercy and forgiveness. Some days it is so hard to remember my own sinful nature when I start to focus on the wrongs done to me. I have done my own share of wrongs to others and I need to focus on my own sins instead of the sins of others. This is a hard one for me and really for anyone in this life. We all at times seek revenge. But we are not suppose to....God has the final say and He will see that justice is served.
I have so much to be thankful for every single day. I have the most amazing and caring husband (he really is a diamond in the rough, he's certainly not perfect and has done his fair share of not so cool things but hey that's what Grace is for), I have 4 beautiful and uniquely talented children, each with their own personalities and gifts. I have some great friends, my family and in-laws. My cancer is staying quiet so I can enjoy this beautiful life with my family. Raising my kids and getting older with my husband. I look forward to grandbabies in the future. I pray that God will continue to answer my prayers, never thought I would still be here 7 1/2 years after a stage 4 diagnosis...but I never underestimate the power of the Great Physican.
So come along with me on this "adventure"....it's gonna be interesting, crazy and mind blowing, I can guarantee that!! My next post in the coming days will be pictures of our "new home" for the next several months.
Sweet dreams friends, my mind is clear to go to sleep now.
In His service,
Cathi
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
25 years.....❤️❤️❤️
25 years ago today (Sunday May 3, 1992) my husband asked me to be his girlfriend. I still remember the day as if it was yesterday. I was tired and emotional and he was taking me to work. We had already talked that after prom he would ask me out. I didn't want to go out before prom because I was going with a friend in my class and I didn't want make things more complicated or have him be jealous, so he agreed to wait to ask me out!!!! We had already talked and seen each other that day and he hadn't said ANYTHING.....by the time we got to my job I was in tears. As I got out of the car and said goodbye....he asked me....I said YES of course! And the rest is history....so to speak!
In those 25 years we have had some rocky roads. We have broken up, gotten back together many times, we had an unplanned pregnancy and 3 years after our first daughter was born we got married. We have endured cancer not once but twice, we have had 3 more kids and have moved from city life to country life and will probably be moving back to city life this summer, since our house went under contract last night! We have weathered the storms of marriage and life but not without some bumps in the road. Some of those bumps, I kid you not, have been HUGE CRATERS.....so huge that we didn't know if we would be able to navigate thru them. But we have somehow stayed the course and gotten through those storms. But without patience, love and Jesus Christ we would not have weathered all the storms we have and made it out on the other side. Are we unscathed on the other side? No we are not!!!! We have deep scars and old wounds, some that have healed and some that are still healing!
But one thing remains for us....our love for one another. A love that runs deep and has stood the test of time. There is no one I want to spend the rest of my life with or grow old with than this man that I said YES to 25 years ago!!!! God has big plans in store for us and I can't wait to see what He has in mind for the rest of our lives together! May we have another 25 (+) years together! Here was his reply to my text this morning telling him thanks for choosing me 25 years ago and every day since!!!!
In those 25 years we have had some rocky roads. We have broken up, gotten back together many times, we had an unplanned pregnancy and 3 years after our first daughter was born we got married. We have endured cancer not once but twice, we have had 3 more kids and have moved from city life to country life and will probably be moving back to city life this summer, since our house went under contract last night! We have weathered the storms of marriage and life but not without some bumps in the road. Some of those bumps, I kid you not, have been HUGE CRATERS.....so huge that we didn't know if we would be able to navigate thru them. But we have somehow stayed the course and gotten through those storms. But without patience, love and Jesus Christ we would not have weathered all the storms we have and made it out on the other side. Are we unscathed on the other side? No we are not!!!! We have deep scars and old wounds, some that have healed and some that are still healing!
But one thing remains for us....our love for one another. A love that runs deep and has stood the test of time. There is no one I want to spend the rest of my life with or grow old with than this man that I said YES to 25 years ago!!!! God has big plans in store for us and I can't wait to see what He has in mind for the rest of our lives together! May we have another 25 (+) years together! Here was his reply to my text this morning telling him thanks for choosing me 25 years ago and every day since!!!!
Tonight we are going to celebrate our love and our house selling by going out to eat and having some quiet alone time together while our kids are at youth group!!!! It will be our time to reflect and perhaps reminisce about old times and all we have been thru over the years! It will be a great evening for both of us....focused on today and our future!
NOTHING ever has or ever will come between us.....we are committed to each other and our marriage until one of us leaves this earth for our heavenly home!
I LOVE YOU JASON ROGER BOTTELBERGHE TO THE VERY DEPTHS OF MY SOUL!!!!
I can't imagine my life without him and I never will!!!
LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!
Until next time,
Cathi
Saturday, April 8, 2017
House selling.....
Our house officially goes on the market Wednesday April 12th, but our realtor is hosting an open house tomorrow Sunday April 9th from 1:30-3:30. We have been busy these last few months getting things done and really busy this past week cleaning, decluttering and getting the outside done. We have worked as a team most of the time. I tend to get a little crabbier when I am stressed. One thing I have noticed for myself this past week is that I have been so busy all day that I don't have time to dwell on what I am dealing with and my mind is in such a great place right now. I never really believed that staying busy would make a difference I guess it really does. I guess my counselor really does know what she is talking about 😂!!!!
So what are our future plans?? Well....we really aren't sure. We are looking for land, have our new house plan picked out and are getting prices from contractors for the things that my handy man husband can't do (plumbing, heating and electrical). Then we will get numbers together and decide about a piece of property we have our eyes on, whether or not it will work out for us. The Lord knows our hearts and we are trusting Him to guide us and open doors for us that only He can. We have been in our home for 11 years now and they have been the best years (mixed in with some hard years too), our children have spent a better part of their lives in this house. We have many pets buried here and my parents planted one of our front trees almost 9 years ago. So there are some bittersweet moments for all of us. But we won't leave our memories behind, they will go with us, and that is really what makes a house a home. The memories you create in that place. We are looking forward to what God has in store for us for the future and we are looking at this as a new beginning for us (me and Jason) and for our family too. Things have been so hard the last couple of years that we are wanting to start over but not really start over. We look at it as a hope filled future rooted in Christ and in a new place that He directs us too. We will see and we will keep our eyes fixed on Him every day and wait on His timing. If our house doesn't sell, well then we stay put until He says move!!!! Our house is listed in zillow right now as coming soon....check it out if you would like. Tell anyone you may know that's looking for an acreage, give them the link or have them call our realtor Ann Lynch at 605-214-7637
Tomorrow we leave for Rochester, Minnesota. Keara has her final dance competition ever (😢 Sniff sniff). And then home tomorrow night. She is ready to close this chapter in her life and start a new one. This mom is not ready for this to be over with but I will roll with it. There is always a season we go through with our kids. They grow up so fast. Some days too fast for this mom, but that is how it goes sometimes. Cherish the moments when they are little, somehow survive the teenage years and then look forward to them becoming adults and have kids of their own. I'm looking forward to the future of grandbabies and I hope the Lord will bless me with that prayer. So that is all I have for now. Please share the link with anyone you may know looking to buy an acreage!!!
https://www.zillow.com/homes/for_sale/2094723097_zpid/43.787763,-96.549655,43.704677,-96.673251_rect/12_zm/1_fr/
Until next time,
Cathi
So what are our future plans?? Well....we really aren't sure. We are looking for land, have our new house plan picked out and are getting prices from contractors for the things that my handy man husband can't do (plumbing, heating and electrical). Then we will get numbers together and decide about a piece of property we have our eyes on, whether or not it will work out for us. The Lord knows our hearts and we are trusting Him to guide us and open doors for us that only He can. We have been in our home for 11 years now and they have been the best years (mixed in with some hard years too), our children have spent a better part of their lives in this house. We have many pets buried here and my parents planted one of our front trees almost 9 years ago. So there are some bittersweet moments for all of us. But we won't leave our memories behind, they will go with us, and that is really what makes a house a home. The memories you create in that place. We are looking forward to what God has in store for us for the future and we are looking at this as a new beginning for us (me and Jason) and for our family too. Things have been so hard the last couple of years that we are wanting to start over but not really start over. We look at it as a hope filled future rooted in Christ and in a new place that He directs us too. We will see and we will keep our eyes fixed on Him every day and wait on His timing. If our house doesn't sell, well then we stay put until He says move!!!! Our house is listed in zillow right now as coming soon....check it out if you would like. Tell anyone you may know that's looking for an acreage, give them the link or have them call our realtor Ann Lynch at 605-214-7637
Tomorrow we leave for Rochester, Minnesota. Keara has her final dance competition ever (😢 Sniff sniff). And then home tomorrow night. She is ready to close this chapter in her life and start a new one. This mom is not ready for this to be over with but I will roll with it. There is always a season we go through with our kids. They grow up so fast. Some days too fast for this mom, but that is how it goes sometimes. Cherish the moments when they are little, somehow survive the teenage years and then look forward to them becoming adults and have kids of their own. I'm looking forward to the future of grandbabies and I hope the Lord will bless me with that prayer. So that is all I have for now. Please share the link with anyone you may know looking to buy an acreage!!!
https://www.zillow.com/homes/for_sale/2094723097_zpid/43.787763,-96.549655,43.704677,-96.673251_rect/12_zm/1_fr/
Until next time,
Cathi
Monday, March 6, 2017
Redeemed
This is one of my husband's favorite songs. And when you listen to the words you can see why. As followers of Christ we are redeemed people. No matter what has happened in our past, the moment we surrender and allow Him into our hearts and lives, we break the chains and regrets of the past. The Lord forgets our sins, when we confess with our mouth and believe with our heart, He is faithful and just to forgive us. That is the message of this song.
My husband has an amazing redemption story that I hope some day he will share, but in the meantime I will stand back and watch in awe as God continues to shape and mold my husband into His likeness, into the man God created him to be!
I have always loved this song, but yesterday my husband did something that I never thought he would do but there again when God is moving mountains in our hearts, He is changing us and getting us to do things we have never done before.
So back to my story.....we have been painting our house in chunks lately to get it ready to put on the market and sell and build (we hope) again! Anyway....we were finishing up our kitchen and getting things but back into place when this song came on. My husband came up to me and wrapped his arms around me. He whispered "it's my song, honey". I answered "yes it is", the next words out of his mouth were "dance with me". So right there in the middle of our kitchen/dining room we started to dance, we didn't dance to the whole song because it was a little weird because seriously I think the last time we danced was one night after good scan results several years ago. And then before that was probably our wedding or someone else's wedding. Who knows. It's just not something we do but sure wish we would more often.
Then today, he sends me a text letting me know that the night he wanted to whisk me away for an overnight stay in a hotel wasn't gonna work because he had just gotten off the phone with the hotel and they were booked.
Goodness.....he has surprised me two different times in just 24 hours. That is all God. My husband is trying different things, being a different husband and honestly being a different man. I have spent a lot of time praying for a change in our marriage and in each other for a good two years now. Almost 6 months ago God answered that prayer, never in the way I dreamed He would, but still answered prayer.
God is good, He is faithful and He is just. My ways are not His ways and my thoughts are not His thoughts. So I need to hold tight to God's promises even when I don't understand why some things happen the way they do. I will never see the big picture but God always does and His ways and timing are always perfect so I must not question it.
So anyway....click on the link and listen to this song by Big Daddy Weave! I hope it speaks to your heart like it speaks to mine and my husband's!
Until next time,
Cathi
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vSyLqbP8Z4I
My husband has an amazing redemption story that I hope some day he will share, but in the meantime I will stand back and watch in awe as God continues to shape and mold my husband into His likeness, into the man God created him to be!
I have always loved this song, but yesterday my husband did something that I never thought he would do but there again when God is moving mountains in our hearts, He is changing us and getting us to do things we have never done before.
So back to my story.....we have been painting our house in chunks lately to get it ready to put on the market and sell and build (we hope) again! Anyway....we were finishing up our kitchen and getting things but back into place when this song came on. My husband came up to me and wrapped his arms around me. He whispered "it's my song, honey". I answered "yes it is", the next words out of his mouth were "dance with me". So right there in the middle of our kitchen/dining room we started to dance, we didn't dance to the whole song because it was a little weird because seriously I think the last time we danced was one night after good scan results several years ago. And then before that was probably our wedding or someone else's wedding. Who knows. It's just not something we do but sure wish we would more often.
Then today, he sends me a text letting me know that the night he wanted to whisk me away for an overnight stay in a hotel wasn't gonna work because he had just gotten off the phone with the hotel and they were booked.
Goodness.....he has surprised me two different times in just 24 hours. That is all God. My husband is trying different things, being a different husband and honestly being a different man. I have spent a lot of time praying for a change in our marriage and in each other for a good two years now. Almost 6 months ago God answered that prayer, never in the way I dreamed He would, but still answered prayer.
God is good, He is faithful and He is just. My ways are not His ways and my thoughts are not His thoughts. So I need to hold tight to God's promises even when I don't understand why some things happen the way they do. I will never see the big picture but God always does and His ways and timing are always perfect so I must not question it.
So anyway....click on the link and listen to this song by Big Daddy Weave! I hope it speaks to your heart like it speaks to mine and my husband's!
Until next time,
Cathi
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vSyLqbP8Z4I
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Lent 2017
Today is the first day of Lent! It has been a while since I have given something up for Lent so this year I decided that I would give up Facebook (the hope is permanently)! Maybe in the future I will create a new account but for now, the Lord is leading me in a different direction!
Today I am going to start reading (for the 4th time), the power of a praying wife! I will be spending the next 30 days out of 40 during Lent, praying for my husband in specific areas! I have found this book to be very helpful and very rewarding! I have seen mighty changes in not only myself but my husband as well each time I read it! I am looking forward to seeing what God does with this time and my marriage!
Life continues to have its ups and downs and I continue to battle the enemy every single day with his lies. I know that ultimately Christ has won the war but satan will continue to try and win me over to his side every single moment of every single day! I am learning to take my thoughts captive, rebuke satan and focus on the positive instead of the negative!
Some days are better than others but I won't give up! I am a fierce fighter and I don't stand down when I want something bad enough! I fight for it!
So starting today and every day (and everyday that I have in the past).....I am gonna fight for my life, fight for my husband, fight for my marriage and fight for my kids! I will take up the Armour of God and fight the enemy with God by my side!
I hope that each of you will give up something or perhaps start something during this season of Lent! My husband decided that instead of giving up something he was going to do something every day.....exercise (we will see how well that works)! I need to get back into that as well! But right now my focus is on other things.
These are going to my focal points the next 40 days:
1. my relationship with Christ
2. my relationship with my husband
3. my relationship with my children
In that order, Christ first, husband second, children last! I am looking forward to seeing what changes happen over the next several weeks!
Spring is almost here and that means, sunshine and warmer weather! I am ready to leave the cold of winter behind and watch the newness of the season appear! new life in the trees, flowers and grass! Along with that, I am looking forward to a newness in my life and those around me!
I will try and blog more as well! I really want to get back into this! I have missed my blog!
So anyway....that is all I have for now! Until next time....God speed!
Cathi
Today I am going to start reading (for the 4th time), the power of a praying wife! I will be spending the next 30 days out of 40 during Lent, praying for my husband in specific areas! I have found this book to be very helpful and very rewarding! I have seen mighty changes in not only myself but my husband as well each time I read it! I am looking forward to seeing what God does with this time and my marriage!
Life continues to have its ups and downs and I continue to battle the enemy every single day with his lies. I know that ultimately Christ has won the war but satan will continue to try and win me over to his side every single moment of every single day! I am learning to take my thoughts captive, rebuke satan and focus on the positive instead of the negative!
Some days are better than others but I won't give up! I am a fierce fighter and I don't stand down when I want something bad enough! I fight for it!
So starting today and every day (and everyday that I have in the past).....I am gonna fight for my life, fight for my husband, fight for my marriage and fight for my kids! I will take up the Armour of God and fight the enemy with God by my side!
I hope that each of you will give up something or perhaps start something during this season of Lent! My husband decided that instead of giving up something he was going to do something every day.....exercise (we will see how well that works)! I need to get back into that as well! But right now my focus is on other things.
These are going to my focal points the next 40 days:
1. my relationship with Christ
2. my relationship with my husband
3. my relationship with my children
In that order, Christ first, husband second, children last! I am looking forward to seeing what changes happen over the next several weeks!
Spring is almost here and that means, sunshine and warmer weather! I am ready to leave the cold of winter behind and watch the newness of the season appear! new life in the trees, flowers and grass! Along with that, I am looking forward to a newness in my life and those around me!
I will try and blog more as well! I really want to get back into this! I have missed my blog!
So anyway....that is all I have for now! Until next time....God speed!
Cathi
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Regrets of the past, hope for the future!
Luke 9:62 says "Jesus replied, 'No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.'"
I have wrestled with this verse a lot lately. I have been stuck in the past for several months now and even more so in the past couple of weeks. The past can't be rewritten, nor can it be changed. It is done, over with and the only thing we can do is learn from those mistakes or regrets. I have many regrets and I have made many terrible mistakes. But.....I also need to let them go and move forward, in hope for the future. A future that is secure and set apart by God. He knows every last detail of my life, nothing that has happened is a surprise to Him. NOTHING that has happened didn't first go through His hands and His will.
So I must first learn to accept what has happened and no matter how bad it hurts, it is a part of God's will for me.
Along with that, there is great hope for my future. One that God will give me that is inline with His perfect will for my life.
I am not perfect and I never claimed to be. I have done terrible things in my life, I have mistreated people closest to me. I have used my words as weapons more often than I care to admit. That alone makes me unworthy of Heaven. But God doesn't see me that way. I am a beautiful child of the One True King. Through His sacrifice on the cross and my repentance, I am worthy of Heaven! He has washed me white as snow.
My adult life has been hard, I have endured cancer, not once but twice, I have had hardship in my marriage, my children have strayed from God. But not once has He left me or forsaken me. He has been there for me, holding me and catching every single tear that has fallen from my eyes. He has seen me through every season, good and bad.
As I continue to walk the road I am walking, He is leading me. More often than not lately, I have been distant. Wanting to do it all on my own and in my own timing. It's not working and I need to let go, surrender it, leave it at the foot of the cross, every single moment of every single day.
My husband said it best tonight when we prayed together before bed, "it is only because of You that we are lying here together in this bed." Our story is filled with heartache, lots of heartache. But we also know that only because of God and His grace and mercy, are we still together. Learning to do life on His terms and not ours. To love, honor and cherish each other like He does. And when the final chapter of our story is written, we both want to hear "well done good and faithful servant"
How is your walk with Christ going? What is He trying to teach you each day? Are you willing to surrender your will for His? Are you willing to do life on His terms, or your own? Seek first the kingdom of God! He really is good all the time.
In Christ's love,
Cathi
Saturday, December 31, 2016
The year 2016....
It is almost 1:30 in the morning and I am sitting in bed listening to the sound of my husband's cpap machine whirl and his steady breathing as he quietly slumbers, I am thinking and reflecting on all that has happened this past year.
Today is the last day of the year and I am ready to put 2016 to bed and usher in a new year. A year that I hope and pray is filled with love, promises and beautiful things and memories galore!
2016 has been a shit storm year and one I pray will NEVER repeat itself. I have been knocked down to my knees and am slowly climbing my way back up out of the pit I was thrown into just 16 short weeks ago. While I can't say what knocked me down, I can say that God hasn't left me nor forsaken me. He has a reason for every storm I weather. I know I will come out stronger and better, but I really wonder how much He thinks I can handle?!?!
One quote I really cling to is this:
"Sometimes God breaks us to make us better"
My favorite scripture passage I cling to:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6
Learning to TRUST the Lord is hard for me. Learning to SURRENDER my will is hard as well. I can trust and surrender but when things don't start moving and changing in my time frame, I pick it back up and try to do it all my own way and in my own time. BUT....my ways are not God's ways and my timing is not God's timing. I must remember that His ways and His timing are PERFECT!!!!
So as I say goodbye to 2016, I am going to say goodbye (or give it my best shot each and everyday) to doing things my way. I am going to (try) TRUST more and SURRENDER daily my own will. I am going to take it one day at a time, wake up with a positive, can do attitude, and not let the past or the actions of others stop me from being the best me I can be each and every day!
While 2016 hasn't been the best year, it has had some good memories in it. My husband turned the BIG 4-0 this year!! We celebrated with a party at our house with our family and closest friends! We had quite a few fishing trips this past summer! My oldest child became a legal "drinker", I seriously can't be old enough to have a 21 year old, can I?!?! 😳 My girls and I had a weekend trip to the cities for a dance competition in February, it was once again memorable. I will be sad when this season of life is over and my youngest is no longer in dance. I got to spend a weekend in April with my sister and two daughters at another dance competition. That was a trip to remember forever 😉!! Jason and I celebrated 18 years of marriage in October, And the best part of 2016?!?! I read the ENTIRE Bible in one year (although at the time of this writing, I still have one day left to read but will get that accomplished after a few hours of sleep)!! I am looking forward to doing it again in 2017 and hopefully my family will join me in doing it as well!
My cancer is staying quiet and the study drug I am on is keeping things stable and giving me an excellent quality of life. If only my sleeping would not be so elusive, but I blame the drug for that. I took up running in 2015 and continued it into 2016, I haven't ran since September but am going to pick it back up in the new year. I have lost about 44 pounds and I am almost to my weight when I got married, only about 8 more pounds to go. That is my goal for next year, lose the rest of the weight and tone up my body!
So as we say goodbye to another year and usher in a new year, may we all look to the ONE who can make all things new!! Jesus Christ!!!! He truly is the only way I can get thru some of the hard things I have been thru this year! He is my sustainer and my redeemer! He is my everything!
May 2017 be a year of blessings for each and every one of you!
In Christ's love,
Cathi
Today is the last day of the year and I am ready to put 2016 to bed and usher in a new year. A year that I hope and pray is filled with love, promises and beautiful things and memories galore!
2016 has been a shit storm year and one I pray will NEVER repeat itself. I have been knocked down to my knees and am slowly climbing my way back up out of the pit I was thrown into just 16 short weeks ago. While I can't say what knocked me down, I can say that God hasn't left me nor forsaken me. He has a reason for every storm I weather. I know I will come out stronger and better, but I really wonder how much He thinks I can handle?!?!
One quote I really cling to is this:
"Sometimes God breaks us to make us better"
My favorite scripture passage I cling to:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6
Learning to TRUST the Lord is hard for me. Learning to SURRENDER my will is hard as well. I can trust and surrender but when things don't start moving and changing in my time frame, I pick it back up and try to do it all my own way and in my own time. BUT....my ways are not God's ways and my timing is not God's timing. I must remember that His ways and His timing are PERFECT!!!!
So as I say goodbye to 2016, I am going to say goodbye (or give it my best shot each and everyday) to doing things my way. I am going to (try) TRUST more and SURRENDER daily my own will. I am going to take it one day at a time, wake up with a positive, can do attitude, and not let the past or the actions of others stop me from being the best me I can be each and every day!
While 2016 hasn't been the best year, it has had some good memories in it. My husband turned the BIG 4-0 this year!! We celebrated with a party at our house with our family and closest friends! We had quite a few fishing trips this past summer! My oldest child became a legal "drinker", I seriously can't be old enough to have a 21 year old, can I?!?! 😳 My girls and I had a weekend trip to the cities for a dance competition in February, it was once again memorable. I will be sad when this season of life is over and my youngest is no longer in dance. I got to spend a weekend in April with my sister and two daughters at another dance competition. That was a trip to remember forever 😉!! Jason and I celebrated 18 years of marriage in October, And the best part of 2016?!?! I read the ENTIRE Bible in one year (although at the time of this writing, I still have one day left to read but will get that accomplished after a few hours of sleep)!! I am looking forward to doing it again in 2017 and hopefully my family will join me in doing it as well!
My cancer is staying quiet and the study drug I am on is keeping things stable and giving me an excellent quality of life. If only my sleeping would not be so elusive, but I blame the drug for that. I took up running in 2015 and continued it into 2016, I haven't ran since September but am going to pick it back up in the new year. I have lost about 44 pounds and I am almost to my weight when I got married, only about 8 more pounds to go. That is my goal for next year, lose the rest of the weight and tone up my body!
So as we say goodbye to another year and usher in a new year, may we all look to the ONE who can make all things new!! Jesus Christ!!!! He truly is the only way I can get thru some of the hard things I have been thru this year! He is my sustainer and my redeemer! He is my everything!
May 2017 be a year of blessings for each and every one of you!
In Christ's love,
Cathi
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Random babbling
This post is going to be so random and sometimes just a babble but I guess when I have something on my mind, I need to write!
When I was a teenager, I would journal. Almost daily and if not daily it was usually several days in a row and then rest for a couple of days. I found that writing helped me vent my feelings, I even continued to journal into adulthood, but it has been a LONG, LONG time since I have actually put a pen to paper and wrote what I was feeling and going through, so I guess this post will be just that, except in electronic form!
See when I was a teenager I suffered from depression. Sometimes so severe, that I became suicidal and I cut myself, A LOT! I was sent away to Charter Hospital in Sioux Falls when I was 16. I spent a couple of months there learning to deal with my issues and how to better channel my feelings and frustrations. Did I still slip and resort to old ways? Heck yeah, it was a never ending battle between my heart and my mind. I am not really sure when I stopped the suicidal thoughts, acts and cutting, but I did. Am I proud of this fact? No, not at all but it helps me to better understand myself as an adult. It also makes me realize how much I miss putting thoughts to paper and trying to sort out what is going on in my mind.
I have looked back at my old journals recently (yes, I know, it is strange that I still have them so many years later) and all I can say is WOW...was I ever messed up! ;) but it has helped me to remember where I was and where I am today and the difference in both.
Do I still suffer from depression? You betcha! Some days it is really hard to get out of that deep black hole you have allowed yourself to sink into. And I can honestly say that over the last several months I have been dealing with some depression. And because I am so anti pill popper these days, I refuse to ask for a "happy" pill. I have told my doctor about my feelings and we are working on a solution, but really this is something that I have to work through, pills are not going to make my reality go away any time soon.
Life in this household is strange right now! Are things good? Not always but are they so bad that we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel to reach? I don't think so, but it is just different!
A wonderful friend pointed out to me that right now I am in "uncharted" territory with my cancer! Yes it is still there but it is silent and I have THE BEST quality of life right now than I have had in the past 5 1/2 years of this disease. We don't know how to act, be spontaneous and love fully like before. Don't get me wrong, we are still that way, just not to the degree that we did when we were in the throngs of cancer treatment, feeling like crap and just trying to live to see the next day together! It is so different and I just don't think we know how to truly LIVE again without cancer being our constant reminder.
Last night as I laid in bed and watched TV, I had a little knock at my bedroom door and there was my son, crying and having a small breakdown. He wanted me to pray with him. Talk about hitting my heart right where I was at, Colby did just that and then some. He crawled up into my bed and cried (hysterically at times). I will not go into details about what was bothering him because that would be a violation of the mother/son bond that him and I have. But what I found so fascinating is that he could share his heart and fears with ME and ask ME to pray with him and for him. We talked about what was bothering him and I prayed right there with him in my lap (and yes he was in my lap even at 12). We opened the bible and he picked a book he wanted to start reading with me. And we read the first chapter and talked about it a little bit. I also told him that anytime he was scared or having a crazy mind moment, that he could call on the name of Jesus and bind the evil one from filling his head with crap. He was finally ready to go back to bed and go to sleep. Jesus was there calming his fears and allowing ME to help in that moment.
So what is the reason behind this post? Well I just realized that no matter what we have going on in our lives and what we may be feeling, there is SOMEONE who is there every single moment of every single day listening and caring and that SOMEONE is Jesus! There are many, many reasons why I am still here today and last night was a reminder of just one of the many things that Jesus is still using me here on Earth for. I am there to point my kids (and hopefully others) to HIM but also to help me in my walk with HIM as well!
Am I perfect? NOT.AT.ALL! I am a sinner saved by GRACE and I know the ONE who is and He LOVES me with an everlasting love that IS perfect! One day this will all be over with for me and I will hear the words "well done, good and faithful servant, well done"!
I want my kids to remember the good and the bad of my life and I want them to remember that GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME AND ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD!
And that is my random post for the day! I told you I would be all over the place, but I feel so much better! God is using me in mighty ways and while I don't know what tomorrow brings, I am thankful that HE already knows and so I will try and seek HIM even in the chaos and depression!
Cathi
Saturday, April 18, 2015
10 years.....
10 years ago today my world was ROCKED by a simple phone call from my family doctor.
10 years ago life was clicking along, I was doing excellent in school and was looking forward to a full summer load to move graduation up, in 11 days we were gonna celebrate our youngest child's 1st birthday, and we were getting our house ready to put on the market and finally move out of our little house. 10 years ago life was finally starting to making sense and I was enjoying every bit of it. I didn't have time for this.....
Breast cancer!
Has 10 years really passed? Yes, in the blink of an eye! I wish I was still celebrating this milestone with being cancer free...but sadly I am not BUT I am still ALIVE and doing quite well under the circumstances.
That baby who turned 1 11 days after my biopsy came back positive for cancer (who didn't celebrate her 1st birthday on the day she turned 1 because I was in the hospital recovering from a bilateral mastectomy), turns 11 in just 11 days.
I can still remember what I was doing when Dr. Rector called to give me the biopsy results. I still remember what it was like calling Jason to give him the news, and I remember what it was like having to call my parents and Jason's parents to let them know what was going on. I still remember the raw, devastating emotions of that day and the days that followed. My kids were so young. Briana was only 9 1/2 (ironically the same age I was when my mom learned she had breast cancer), Mikayla was 4 1/2, Colby was just 2 and Keara was 11 days away from her 1st birthday!
Sometimes those raw, devastating emotions are still evident even 10 years later. Especially today, always on this date. Every year I walk through this date wondering what might have been, but I also remember and try to celebrate my life. Because even though I still have cancer, I am still here fighting for my life every day.
Jason and I have spent a better part of our marriage dealing with cancer. Married a short 6 1/2 years when cancer reared it's ugly head the first time and then just 11 years when it came back. We will celebrate 17 years in October. We have seen our fair share of hard times and somehow we have pulled through it all. Sometimes even stronger than we were when it started.
My kids have spent a better part of their childhood dealing with cancer in their lives. They have watched the roller coaster of emotions with me. The good times and the bad times. The times when we weren't sure I was going to survive another round of chemo. My kids are resilient, troopers, if you will! I couldn't be more proud of all of them. So I know that no matter what happens with me and this beast I fight against everyday, my kids will be okay and they will survive when I am gone, as will Jason, and that brings a bit of comfort to my soul.
Does that mean I want to go anywhere right now? Heck NO! But that is ultimately NOT up to me! But I do know the ONE who holds my life in HIS hands each and every day! The ONE who has seen me through every peak and every valley. The ONE who has carried me when I was unable to stand, walk or even crawl because my soul was beaten down along with my body! I am HIS and that alone gives me comfort beyond understanding!
So today, celebrate YOUR life with all the strength and gusto that you have! Be thankful for good health, family and friends!
While I don't like the fact that I am battling stage 4 breast cancer each and every day and today has been emotional and hard for me.....I am beyond grateful that 5 1/2 years later I am still here and I am still FIGHTING! My quality of life is wonderful! I am still dealing with some not so pleasant side effects, but I AM ALIVE so I will deal with those nasties as best I can and in the way I feel is best for me! Not ideal but doable!
So live each day to the fullest, love often and fully and be grateful for each and every day you are blessed with! We only get to go around this earth once do it fully!
Thanks for being along for this huge ride! Thanks for always being there praying me through the good and the bad!
I am grateful for all the LORD has blessed me with through the years! Even cancer! I will leave you with a look back over the years in a few pictures!
Eternally HIS,
Cathi
me and my kids right before all my hair fell out the first time around! June 2005
Bottelberghe hay ride gathering, shortly after I had finished up treatment the first time around! Sept 2005
Christmas 2009 shortly after we learned my cancer had returned
Colby's 7th birthday Jan. 24, 2010
Kay (my research nurse in Sioux City), my mom and I at my gathering at church in April 2012
Our family trip to Disney World in Feb 2010
My first Mother's Day after my cancer returned! May 2010
Jill Miller came and sang for Jason and I. We were celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary at the cancer center getting treatment Oct. 3, 2011
My core group of girlfriends at Briana's graduation party! May 2014 (I lived to see one of my kids graduate from high school)
Easter 2015
Colby's 12th birthday! Jan. 24, 2015
10 years ago life was clicking along, I was doing excellent in school and was looking forward to a full summer load to move graduation up, in 11 days we were gonna celebrate our youngest child's 1st birthday, and we were getting our house ready to put on the market and finally move out of our little house. 10 years ago life was finally starting to making sense and I was enjoying every bit of it. I didn't have time for this.....
Breast cancer!
Has 10 years really passed? Yes, in the blink of an eye! I wish I was still celebrating this milestone with being cancer free...but sadly I am not BUT I am still ALIVE and doing quite well under the circumstances.
That baby who turned 1 11 days after my biopsy came back positive for cancer (who didn't celebrate her 1st birthday on the day she turned 1 because I was in the hospital recovering from a bilateral mastectomy), turns 11 in just 11 days.
I can still remember what I was doing when Dr. Rector called to give me the biopsy results. I still remember what it was like calling Jason to give him the news, and I remember what it was like having to call my parents and Jason's parents to let them know what was going on. I still remember the raw, devastating emotions of that day and the days that followed. My kids were so young. Briana was only 9 1/2 (ironically the same age I was when my mom learned she had breast cancer), Mikayla was 4 1/2, Colby was just 2 and Keara was 11 days away from her 1st birthday!
Sometimes those raw, devastating emotions are still evident even 10 years later. Especially today, always on this date. Every year I walk through this date wondering what might have been, but I also remember and try to celebrate my life. Because even though I still have cancer, I am still here fighting for my life every day.
Jason and I have spent a better part of our marriage dealing with cancer. Married a short 6 1/2 years when cancer reared it's ugly head the first time and then just 11 years when it came back. We will celebrate 17 years in October. We have seen our fair share of hard times and somehow we have pulled through it all. Sometimes even stronger than we were when it started.
My kids have spent a better part of their childhood dealing with cancer in their lives. They have watched the roller coaster of emotions with me. The good times and the bad times. The times when we weren't sure I was going to survive another round of chemo. My kids are resilient, troopers, if you will! I couldn't be more proud of all of them. So I know that no matter what happens with me and this beast I fight against everyday, my kids will be okay and they will survive when I am gone, as will Jason, and that brings a bit of comfort to my soul.
Does that mean I want to go anywhere right now? Heck NO! But that is ultimately NOT up to me! But I do know the ONE who holds my life in HIS hands each and every day! The ONE who has seen me through every peak and every valley. The ONE who has carried me when I was unable to stand, walk or even crawl because my soul was beaten down along with my body! I am HIS and that alone gives me comfort beyond understanding!
So today, celebrate YOUR life with all the strength and gusto that you have! Be thankful for good health, family and friends!
While I don't like the fact that I am battling stage 4 breast cancer each and every day and today has been emotional and hard for me.....I am beyond grateful that 5 1/2 years later I am still here and I am still FIGHTING! My quality of life is wonderful! I am still dealing with some not so pleasant side effects, but I AM ALIVE so I will deal with those nasties as best I can and in the way I feel is best for me! Not ideal but doable!
So live each day to the fullest, love often and fully and be grateful for each and every day you are blessed with! We only get to go around this earth once do it fully!
Thanks for being along for this huge ride! Thanks for always being there praying me through the good and the bad!
I am grateful for all the LORD has blessed me with through the years! Even cancer! I will leave you with a look back over the years in a few pictures!
Eternally HIS,
Cathi
me and my kids right before all my hair fell out the first time around! June 2005
Bottelberghe hay ride gathering, shortly after I had finished up treatment the first time around! Sept 2005
Christmas 2009 shortly after we learned my cancer had returned
Colby's 7th birthday Jan. 24, 2010
Kay (my research nurse in Sioux City), my mom and I at my gathering at church in April 2012
Our family trip to Disney World in Feb 2010
My first Mother's Day after my cancer returned! May 2010
Jill Miller came and sang for Jason and I. We were celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary at the cancer center getting treatment Oct. 3, 2011
My core group of girlfriends at Briana's graduation party! May 2014 (I lived to see one of my kids graduate from high school)
Easter 2015
Colby's 12th birthday! Jan. 24, 2015
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