When I was a teenager, I would journal. Almost daily and if not daily it was usually several days in a row and then rest for a couple of days. I found that writing helped me vent my feelings, I even continued to journal into adulthood, but it has been a LONG, LONG time since I have actually put a pen to paper and wrote what I was feeling and going through, so I guess this post will be just that, except in electronic form!
See when I was a teenager I suffered from depression. Sometimes so severe, that I became suicidal and I cut myself, A LOT! I was sent away to Charter Hospital in Sioux Falls when I was 16. I spent a couple of months there learning to deal with my issues and how to better channel my feelings and frustrations. Did I still slip and resort to old ways? Heck yeah, it was a never ending battle between my heart and my mind. I am not really sure when I stopped the suicidal thoughts, acts and cutting, but I did. Am I proud of this fact? No, not at all but it helps me to better understand myself as an adult. It also makes me realize how much I miss putting thoughts to paper and trying to sort out what is going on in my mind.
I have looked back at my old journals recently (yes, I know, it is strange that I still have them so many years later) and all I can say is WOW...was I ever messed up! ;) but it has helped me to remember where I was and where I am today and the difference in both.
Do I still suffer from depression? You betcha! Some days it is really hard to get out of that deep black hole you have allowed yourself to sink into. And I can honestly say that over the last several months I have been dealing with some depression. And because I am so anti pill popper these days, I refuse to ask for a "happy" pill. I have told my doctor about my feelings and we are working on a solution, but really this is something that I have to work through, pills are not going to make my reality go away any time soon.
Life in this household is strange right now! Are things good? Not always but are they so bad that we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel to reach? I don't think so, but it is just different!
A wonderful friend pointed out to me that right now I am in "uncharted" territory with my cancer! Yes it is still there but it is silent and I have THE BEST quality of life right now than I have had in the past 5 1/2 years of this disease. We don't know how to act, be spontaneous and love fully like before. Don't get me wrong, we are still that way, just not to the degree that we did when we were in the throngs of cancer treatment, feeling like crap and just trying to live to see the next day together! It is so different and I just don't think we know how to truly LIVE again without cancer being our constant reminder.
Last night as I laid in bed and watched TV, I had a little knock at my bedroom door and there was my son, crying and having a small breakdown. He wanted me to pray with him. Talk about hitting my heart right where I was at, Colby did just that and then some. He crawled up into my bed and cried (hysterically at times). I will not go into details about what was bothering him because that would be a violation of the mother/son bond that him and I have. But what I found so fascinating is that he could share his heart and fears with ME and ask ME to pray with him and for him. We talked about what was bothering him and I prayed right there with him in my lap (and yes he was in my lap even at 12). We opened the bible and he picked a book he wanted to start reading with me. And we read the first chapter and talked about it a little bit. I also told him that anytime he was scared or having a crazy mind moment, that he could call on the name of Jesus and bind the evil one from filling his head with crap. He was finally ready to go back to bed and go to sleep. Jesus was there calming his fears and allowing ME to help in that moment.
So what is the reason behind this post? Well I just realized that no matter what we have going on in our lives and what we may be feeling, there is SOMEONE who is there every single moment of every single day listening and caring and that SOMEONE is Jesus! There are many, many reasons why I am still here today and last night was a reminder of just one of the many things that Jesus is still using me here on Earth for. I am there to point my kids (and hopefully others) to HIM but also to help me in my walk with HIM as well!
Am I perfect? NOT.AT.ALL! I am a sinner saved by GRACE and I know the ONE who is and He LOVES me with an everlasting love that IS perfect! One day this will all be over with for me and I will hear the words "well done, good and faithful servant, well done"!
I want my kids to remember the good and the bad of my life and I want them to remember that GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME AND ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD!
And that is my random post for the day! I told you I would be all over the place, but I feel so much better! God is using me in mighty ways and while I don't know what tomorrow brings, I am thankful that HE already knows and so I will try and seek HIM even in the chaos and depression!
Cathi
