While I'm waiting....

This has always been one of my favorite songs since Fireproof the movie came out last year, but now it has more meaning to me as I go through this dark unknown time. No matter the circumstances of today, I am still to worship, serve and praise God. Each day for me gets better. I had an awesome weekend. Dear friends came over Saturday afternoon to hang out and work on the kids' AWANA Grand Prix cars. It was nice to be "normal" for awhile. It sure did take my mind off of things for the time being. Saturday night, my new dear friend Anita called me to talk as I have been on her mind a lot this past week and she has been praying for us. She invited us over to their place after church on Sunday. It was so nice to go and hang out with friends again and just not think about it. I am able to talk more and more about what is going on in my life without being overcome with tears. Friday was just an overall hard day. So many people have come alongside us. They have offered help, prayers, meals, rides, etc. It is amazing to watch the Body of Christ surround us during this time. We are still waiting on word from the oncologist's office about what the next step is. I am not sure when that will be, but for now, I am enjoying my family, homeschooling and living life to the fullest. Please keep praying. God is here in the midst, we are all coming to terms with this and we are completely at peace. We have a great God, who can and will heal me! He is the Great Physician and He is in control and He is in the business of miracles. Now that would be cool if He gave us a mircle, but if not, I am ready to fight, and fight with all I have in me! I have a husband to bug for many years yet and children to raise! I AM NOT going anywhere......YET!!!! :) Enjoy the video. I hope the song touches you as it has touched me, and even more so now in the midst of what we are going through. Our sermon at church yesterday was about "caring for each other" Galations 6:1-7. I think God was talking to me yesterday as our pastor was preaching. WOW!!! The hand of God is with me, every day! I am not letting go!!!!

Going through the motions......

I am all over the place today. But I am comforted knowing that it is out of my control. God is in control. While our prayers were not answered in the way that we wanted them answered God has not left my side and He won't either. I am leaning on Him to get me through this. It is now time to reseach, read and pray that He will heal me again. It was hard to tell my kids. Colby cried. I think his biggest fear is having to go back to school. Not to mention he thinks I am going to die. I assurded him that I wasn't going anywhere and that I was going to fight this again with everything I have in me. I also told him that no matter what he wasn't going back to school. Without my children here to help me through each day I don't know what my state of mind would be during the day. No matter what, they are going to stay home still, I am going to continue to homeschool them and if on somedays they don't get school in until that night when their dad gets home then that is the way it will be. There is a chemo clinical trial from the Mayo that they are hoping to get me on. But that will mean chemo indefinately, not sure that I am ready for that. I have to read the pamphlet over and do more research on the chemo drugs and the side affects. I am not ready for my hair to be gone permently. Bonus, the cancer center now gives out FREE wigs, ummm......tried the wig thing the first time around and didn't care for it but do know it was useful to wear for church or social events. For now it is one day at a time.......each moment......I need to cherish it all. Sometimes I have forgotten how precious life is and how fast it can change. Cherish every moment, love like there is no tomorrow and don't go to bed angry. Keep me and my family in your prayers. As I know more, I will update here and facebook. Don't be surprised if I set up a new website just for this sort of thing. Anyway.....that is all for now. I love you all!

Cathi

one more step down.....

My PET/CT scan went well yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I really didn't need the relaxant but it was able to relax me throughly and I napped a little bit during the scan. Although coming out of the drug fog was cruel. I was so out of it most of the afternoon. By the time we got home from church last night I was pretty tired. Watched some tv with Jason until 10 and then I went upstairs to go to bed. My mind was all over the place but was able to fall asleep. I only woke up once during the night and that was @ 2:30 and I was able to go right back to sleep. It was 10 after 7 before I woke this morning. Oops.....school starts at 7:55, so even though we go up a little late we were still able to start by 8, only 5 minutes late. The bonus to last night was that I took no over the counter meds for pain and I was still able to sleep and sleep fairly well. My mind is trying to keep the wrong thoughts out for today. The waiting is the hardest part of this whole process. It is hard to not go down that "cancer road", but I am keeping the faith. I have lots of people praying for me, so I think that helps tremendously! So many prayer warriors out there for me and praying that all is b9. I have faith that no matter what all will be well. I am a fighter, I can beat it again. The nice thing is, if it is cancer, it has been caught early again. There is always a bonus to early detection. But......I am not thinking about it being cancer. IT IS NOT CANCER!!!!!! God is preparing us for something.....tomorrow we will find out. I will post on here and on facebook as soon as I know anything. Keep the prayers coming my way....they are keeping me at peace! I love you!

Cathi

Great comfort....

Today is the day. The "big" day. Today I get to go and get lit up a like a Christmas Tree. I am not looking forward to this PET/CT scan today, but I know that this is the next step in getting to the bottom of the pain I am experiencing. I have had great comfort the last couple of days. Yesterday I went in spurts. I was good, then I was down and crying, then I was good again, then I was crying again. In the midst of it, God always stepped in at the right moment. My Christian mentor, Pat, called at just the right time yesterday in the middle of a meltdown as my children were down for some "rest time"! I was reading my bible, my devotional and praying when the tears overcame me. The phone rang and it was Pat. It was 7 minutes of pure comfort. She told me to remember back to the day that I accepted Christ. Remember what I saw and how I felt. She told me to remember that God never gives us more than we can handle. She reminded me that there was a reason for this, and to keep my focus on Him. When I hung up, I went back to room and laid down. I went back to that day in 2006 when I accepted Christ. I remembered what I saw and how I felt. I was overcome with peace. I could see Him standing there with His arms stretched out to me. He took me in His arms and I was comforted. I cried some more and all I kept hearing was "it will all be ok, I am here". I was talking to Jason about my day as he made dinner last night and I started to cry again. He said to me "ya know, it is okay to cry". That was helpful. I was talking my best friend yesterday afternoon and I was telling her, "all I keep asking is why me? why not someone else? I don't want this but not that I would wish this on anyone else either, but why me?" She response was "i understand that feeling, and I would say that also but I would also be saying "why not me?" So "why not me?", God has something up His sleeve with all of this. My children are closer, as are Jason and I. We have had some great bonding time together these last several months. As another friends reminded me....this could be Him preparing us for such a time as this. We will get throug this, we will survive no matter what the test shows. I am comforted knowing that God is in control and while I don't want to endure this again, I have such a strong faith, that He will again see me through this too, if I indeed have cancer again. Somethings I have been given by friends, have come across or read the last few days have helped me tremendously.

Daniel 10:19 says "and he said, "O man greatly beloved, fear not! Peace be to you; be strong, yes, be strong!"(NKJV)

Psalm 91:2 says "I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust." (NKJV)

John 14:27 says "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (NKJV)

There are many more, but for now that is all I have for you. I trust that the Lord will see me through this. I still have this above my computer "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!!!". I had that above my computer when I was diagnosed the first time around. I have a stronger faith this time around and I know that no matter what He is my constant and He will never fail me or my family. I will leave you with this last thing.....this was in my morning devotional today....very appropriate!

"Our unknown future is secure in the hands of our all-knowing God"

Take refuge loved ones in the hands of the Almighty! I have, even in the midst of the storm!!! I love you all deeply!

Cathi

Heavy on my mind.....

It has been a long road the last week. Monday October 12th I went in for a bone scan to determine why I was having pain in my breastbone area. I have had the pain for some time now but it has been progressively getting worse. A call to the oncologist office warrented a bone scan. I saw him Monday afternoon, at that time my scans where not in yet, but my CA 27-29 tumor marker was elevated which raises a red flag. Wednesday morning, I got the results via phone.....there is a spot on my sternum. I saw the oncologist this afternoon to talk about the scan, next course of action and what might be going on. In short, he thinks that my cancer has returned, I am not going down that road until I get the final results. My tumor markers are elevated, there is a visable spot on my sternum and I am experiencing pain. I have a PET/CT scan scheduled for Wednesday afternoon @ 2pm. I will see the oncologist on Friday morning to get the results. Depending on what this scan shows, will determine the next course of action. If this scan shows a "hot spot" as they call it, they will have to do a CAT scan of just my chest area, there will also have to be a biospy done as well. While this is not really what I want to be dealing with at this time, a recurrence, I am praying and leaning on God during this time to see me through and that no matter the outcome, I will be okay and He will be a constant. I ask for prayers over the next several days, prayers for peace, prayers for clear test results, prayers that the pain I have is something other than my cancer rearing it's ugly head. I ask that we storm the gates of Heaven and that God will perform a miracle and there will be nothing on the PET scan. I have felt the best today that I have felt in a few weeks. I am nervous and partly scared of what might happen and what the outcome might be at the end of this week, but I do know that I am NOT alone, my Savior is by side, He is leading me, He is comforting me and He is guiding me during this long hard road. No matter the outcome of this, I will go to where He leads me, in faith, without holding back. I know that there is a bigger plan in store for me. What that is, I have no idea. So many things have fallen into place with our family over the last several months, that I just can't see this being cancer. Yes, I have had the pain for sometime and yes everything right now is elevated but I just won't believe it until I know that it truly has come back. Please be in prayer for me, my husband and for our children as we get to the bottom of what is going on. Thank you for always being there for me, I truly love you all!!!!

Cathi

RIP Prince: July 10, 2009-October 18, 2009

Only a couple of weeks old in this picture


Mikayla holding Prince


She was in love with her Prince (as you can tell from the picture)


He was a favorite with the girls that is for sure


Prince's permanent resting place


Briana found her beloved kitten Prince dead this afternoon, we think he had been dead for at least a day because of the stiffness of his body. We are not sure how he died, but he is gone nonetheless and we are devastated in this family. He was such an awesome kitten. A big ball of fur who made his way into my heart. Was always on our back deck and ready to make a beeline into the dining room for some warmth. I will cherish those memories as I know the children will also. He is buried behind the playhouse with a huge cross erected for the children to go and "visit". Mikayla and Briana cried during the burial and afterwards I went inside to wash my hands, I looked out the window above my kitchen sink and saw my precious Mikayla on her knees in prayer and tears. That was the breaking point for me, to see my child on her knees praying and crying over the cat, I started to cry. Many tears shed today, but we know that this is a part of life. The cycle of life, my children learned first hand today. What a hard day it has been for all of us today. Tomorrow will begin a new day!!!

Mini Vacation is over

We had an awesome time at Inspiration Hills this past weekend. It was nice to get away just us for a few days and just hang out together. The weather could have been a little bit nicer but that's okay it was still worth it. We stayed in a tiny cabin with running water. That was by far the best part of it. We stayed warm and had a bathroom to use in the middle of the night if we needed it. We will stay again but next time in the large cabin that sleeps 10. Ours slept 5 but we made it work for all of us! We came home yesterday and just had a good time relaxing and hanging out. Jason took today off and hung out at home. It was nice to just focus on schooling with the kids and he made lunch and dinner for us. We had a lovely anniversary together. My mother in law gave us this cool journal to record memories in. So I recorded our first memory for the book on October 3rd. It will be fun to go down memory lane when we are older and remember all the things that we did with each other and with our kids. I am posting some pics here in just a bit. We are glad to be home but not ready for reality again tomorrow. Oh well have to come back to it sometime soon. Have a great Monday!

Cathi

Another 2 weeks have gone by.....

Geesh! What has gotten into me???? Oh wait.....I am busy with my kids during the day and there is really not anything exciting going on in this household these days. School, church, volleyball, voice lessons, piano lessons. and just the busyness of life in general. Have left me literally EXHAUSTED!!! We are getting set to go camping one last time this up coming weekend. Except this time we are renting a nice size cabin (spending the extra money to have some fun together as a family) and heading out Friday afternoon and returning Monday around lunch time. The kids are excited to stay in a cabin that has a bathroom and beds to sleep in. We are staying down in Inwood, IA at a campground called Inspiration Hills. It is going to be a great time. We are planning on bringing games for the whole family to play, my kids have gotten hooked on this game called Payday that I had as a kid (this game is OLD, copyright is 1975.....they LOVE IT)!!!! We will be bringing the kids' bikes so that we will still be able to bike/walk. The weather should be fairly decent for the weekend. Cold at night but that is what the cabin is for. I am planning on taking my camera and taking TONS of pictures. Jason and I will celebrate 11 years of marriage on Saturday the 3rd so we wanted to do something together as a family and we wanted to camp one more time this season so we decided to go the extra mile and get a cabin instead. It will be a mini home away from home. I will post pics hopefully next week but none the less we are excited. We had a pretty relaxing weekend. Just working around the house trying to get the shed completed before winter. The siding is slowly going up a little at a time but it will be done before the snow flies, which the way it is feeling the last couple of days should be soon......UGH!!!
Yesterday we had 2 picnics to go to at the same time. That was a treat. We split our time between both and we are soooooo glad that we did. The first picnic was held by the pastor of the church that we are attending now and it was for new people. We went to meet the senior pastor and his family and some of the others in the church. It was such a blessing! The pastor's wife.....get this.....homeschools her kids and we had met at a mom's meeting back in May......no wonder she looked familiar!!!! It is AMAZING how God has put it all together for us! The other really cool thing is that the pastor and his wife are really good friends with the former pastor of the church that we left. That was cool to find that out. It was just nice to be able to meet the pastor and talk face to face with him. Very nice, down to earth, easy to talk to guy and his wife is totally cool cuz.....well she homeschools her kids!!!! What is better than that!!! Then it was off to our new friends Paul and Anita for the neighborhood potluck! It was so much fun to meet neighbors that we hadn't previously met. Met a couple that live just around the corner from us, they have 2 small girls. Way cool! It was almost 9pm before we got home last night. Good thing that the kids are homeschooled and have a pretty lienent schedule! Not sure we would have stayed out so late last night otherwise....but it was such a great Sunday and such a blessing. God has shed a lot of light on things for us here and we just know that where we are at is where he has us for a reason. It is so cool how it has all come full circle for us! Okay well I suppose, I have to get a kid to volleyball practice! Until next time, have a wonderful week!

Cathi

Okay so again it has been awhile....

Gosh, golly gee! Where in the world does time go? I have some down time right now while the kids finish up lunch chores and then go outside for some "recess" time and then back in to finish up the "school" day! It has been a crazy couple of weeks. Life has been clicking right along and our children are adjusting BEAUTIFULLY!!!! I am always excited to see them get excited about things with school, but also frustrated when they don't "get" something that I think is so simple. That is where my patience comes in, patience that I lack so much! I am praying about it and hoping that God will show me it soon!!!! After much thoughts, praying and struggles with our church situation we have finally landed at a church we feel will grow and stretch us more as individuals and as a family unit. The children are in AWANA (Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed 2 Timothy 2:15) at this church, this is a program that I have wanted my kids in for a long, long time. I had this as a kid and I found it to be a great program. Writing scripture on your heart and living it out in your daily life is very critical to the Christian walk. I see that holding true with my kids as we work daily on our memory verses. It is fun to see the excitement in their eyes when they have finally memorized a particular verse. We talk about the memory verse and as we really get going we are going to also take it a step further and figure out how we can "live it out" in our day to day lives. We are listening to the New Testament on CD everyday in our schooling and the kids are always excited to listen to someone else read scripture. I am amazed at the things taking place in our household. God is here and He is in the midst of each day! We still struggle and we still have our fighting moments but we are working through them daily. I am excited to see what He does with this family over the course of this school year! It is always something new daily.
This past weekend we had the opportunity to go camping with new friends. I can't even begin to describe our weekend with them. It was AMAZING how God has brought our families together! This is both our first year homeschooling our kids. They have 3 kids, we have 4. Their older two are the same age as Mikayla and Colby and their youngest is 2 years younger than Keara. Great Christians, and I know that there is a reason that God placed this family in our lives. Our kids got along and had such a blast together even though they have never been together before. Our husbands have LOTS in common and the cool part: they only live 4 miles from us. YEAH!!!! We had some bible time around the campfire Sunday morning and then a discussion and then prayer. What an awesome experience to be in the wide open and feeling God's presence. Our oldest daughter was a completely different person all weekend. She hung out with the adults, played games with the adults and had a totally different personality! I was in awe of this new person. She was the most wonderful, awesome, personable, engaging young lady. She played bean bags and crochet with the adults, hung around the campfire with the adults and yes she did even play with the kids. It was cool to watch her. Anyway....life is busy as usual! Volleyball is in full swing, voice lessons for Briana just started last week and she is loving them, AWANA is underway and the kids are loving that. Piano lessons are underway and I am enjoying them. I placed an ad this week for more students so we will see what the Lord does with that. I am not worried about it any longer. What He does is up to Him, I will follow His lead. If it is His will, I will get more students, if it is NOT His will, I will not get more. Either way....it is up to Him and I have to be okay with whatever He brings my way! For now.....that is all.....busy, busy, busy! But I wouldn't want it any other way.....

my goodness.....

it has been a few weeks since my last posting. Today's posting is going to be short but hopefully will be able to post later in the week with some pics from our AWESOME weekend. Life is plugging along in the Bottelberghe household. We are still trying to iron out tweeks in our schooling, but each day does seem to get easier. The kids are loving the relaxed schedule, with the exception of my youngest child, who is still adement that she is going to go to BIG SCHOOL!!!! Hopefully that will change soon, the other 3 have told me they DO NOT want to go back to school! YEAH!!! So anyway....even though this is SO HARD, I wouldn't trade it for the world, and while we have good days, really good days, bad days and REALLY BAD DAYS, I know that this is exactly where I am suppose to be! I started teaching piano lessons last week again. And until we get into the swing of that, money is VERY VERY VERY tight right now. We have been dipping into our savings to get by the last month and a half. Thankfully I have 4 students so that will help once that gets rolling on a regular basis. Every little bit helps. LifeLight was this weekend and it was a glorious time as usual! Love the fact that we can hear great music and also hear great messages of what God is doing and how He is working in people's lives! I have some good pics so I will be posting those soon. Today we have family coming over to help get the finishing touches on the shed that we are building so that we can finally have a garage back. This coming weekend, we are hopefully going to be able to go camping one last time this year with a family who live about 3 miles from us and also homeschool there children. God has placed this woman in my life for a reason and I am forever grateful for that. This is both our first year as a homeschoolers. Her two oldest boys are the same age as Mikayla and Colby and her daughter is a couple of years younger than Keara. We are excited to not only go camping but to also hang out with some new friends. Briana is getting into the swing of volleyball and is enjoying that! Doesn't miss the school but does miss her friends. She will start voice lessons this week and she is very excited for that to start. Her voice teacher is a homeschooled graduate and a college graduate with her music degree. I am excited for her also. Church activities get under way this week, and I am super excited for that to start, excited to see what God has in store for my kids this coming year! Not only for the younger 3 but for Briana also as she embarks into youth group! God is going to do some AMAZING things in this family over the next several months and I can't wait to see how it all unfolds!!! Anyway....better get off the computer! Have a wonderful Labor Day and God Bless each and every one of you!!!!

Cathi